Assignment 4- Mary Huffman- I'm not the Catholic girl you think I am

Catholicism has always been a part of my identity, though more a representative element for my peers than myself. Every Sunday morning, I go to church, but I stopped fully participating in mass around the time I quit Youth Group. Since then, I've felt quite disconnected from the church and I haven't felt the motivation to "strengthen my relationship with God," as the Catholic church loves to preach. If I'm not convicted to the religion I've belonged to my entire life, why am I writing this post an hour before I leave for Sunday mass? The answer to that question: because I don't have the answers. I don't know if there really is a god, but the chance that there could be warrants a visit to church every once in a while. Another reason- my mother. She's dedicated to the faith as far as I know- she went to Catholic school in the south and still attends mass all these years later. I don't want to upset her with my religious dissonance. 

The congregation prays for the end of abortion every week, at which point I sit silently while the rest of the church says "Lord, hear our prayer." My beliefs concerning abortion aren't explicitly defined, but I know I don't believe what the Catholic church would like me to, or even what my parents might want me to believe. I think I'm an analytical, factual person, which is why I'm hesitant to devote myself to a belief system such as Catholicism. All religion, of course, is theory. You believe what you're told because you'll find yourself burning in hell if you stray from the righteous path. I'd much prefer to decide myself what may be true, what principles should guide my morals, and what I know cannot be, all despite what the Church teaches. I have no ill will towards Catholicism or religion of any kind, I respect all the amazing people I've connected with through the church. But I'm not a good Catholic, and I'm sure if a member of the Holy Trinity is really out there, I've made it onto the waiting list for Hell. Oh well.