Assignment 24-Mary Huffman-To peak or not to peak

I’m struggling to remember the last eight months of my life. I have no medical diagnoses to justify it, but to say my Junior year is now a blur is an understatement. Social distancing, self isolation, quarantine, whatever your name for it, it’s hit me harder than I thought it would. What was life like before all this? What will it be like after? I don’t know. As I attempt to remember the past, I must also recognize its dependence on the uncertainty of the future. 

By that, I mean my Junior year has first and foremost been a year of worrying about my future. I am very seldom a stressed individual, but spending endless days alone in my room has meant I sit on my floor at strange hours doing breathing exercises any time I think about my future. It’s messed me up, being anxious all the time. This year has been one of anxiety.

I thought for a long time that I had peaked in Sophomore year. I didn’t think I’d be more consistently successful across the board for the rest of my life. That was naive. Cocky. A little obnoxious. I made more friends in that year than any other, and I kinda felt popular. Which really wasn’t true, but I believed it. I haven’t made many new friends this year, but I have strengthened a lot of relationships. My circle got smaller, but it’s a solid circle now. This year has been one of amazing friends who I love and who I wouldn’t trade for the world.

My word of the year has been “perspective.” I’ve used it way too much to help ground myself and those around me. I feel like I’ve grown a lot as a person thanks to this little word. I try to remember perspective when I want to judge somebody, or when I get worked up over something minor. It takes me back to the poster that every English teacher in the history of English teachers has hung in their room: “In 30 years it won’t matter what jeans you wore…” You know the one. I hate embarrassing myself and I avoid it at all costs. So, with a little perspective, I imagine what I would think about my actions a couple hours, days, years from that moment and I reconsider. This year has been one of perspective.

And now I abandon my philosophical facade. It’s not really a facade ya know, but I like how that sounded. Now to the shallow side of my Junior year. I’ve tried to tone down my jealousy this year, with mixed results. If any boys have made it this far, I’m forgetting all that perspective stuff and letting you know that I have a Snapchat. Lots of people around me have found new relationships this year, and I’m happy for them, but I need to keep working on that jealousy thing. I also regret that I didn’t suck up to my teachers more. One of the reasons I do breathing exercises on my floor is that I don’t know who likes me enough to write an honest rec letter. I hope being a mediocre, often nondescript student all year doesn’t bite me in the butt, but I think it might. I think I’m a Senior now, which terrifies me. Junior year doesn’t feel complete. My character arc for the year didn’t quite make it halfway around. But that has to be ok. My goals for Senior year are to become more like an adult and to do everything right I did during Junior year and more. I want to have fun, despite the Academy’s tight restraints on such a thing. Above all, I want to peak again, to show Sophomore me she wasn’t all that.