Assignment 19- Mary Huffman- I LoVe BiLLiE eiLiSh, or A Lesson in Confidence

Car rides with my mother are almost always interesting. For a variety of reasons, but the one I’m thinking about right now was not interesting because she is a questionable driver, or because she was telling me a story about some unruly horse-horse owner pair she dealt with at work. She had picked me up after a particularly bumpy Alice in Wonderland rehearsal which unfolded after a particularly bumpy school day. I was bummed by all the bumpiness, and as I shared the latest theatre drama with my eagerly-listening mom, I pulled back the curtain on one of my recently developed insecurities. Some of the people closest to me might have noticed my passing references to my lack of acting talent, deservingness of a pretty major role, etc. But maybe you haven’t, because we usually brush off mentions of insecurities and move on to happier topics. I didn’t just brush it off in the car that day. I dove head-first into a pool of murky insecurity. 

Ok, I didn’t want to get off topic, but I’m listening to Billie Eilish (quirky, I know) as I write this. The song playing at this moment is “everything i wanted,” which begins

“I had a dream

I got everything I wanted

Not what you'd think

And if I'm being honest

It might've been a nightmare

To anyone who might care.”

My furious typing halted when I heard those lyrics. No, these lyrics heard me. I’ve dreamed of having a main role in a play since I was prohibited from auditioning in middle school because the director (love ya Mr. Briggs) wanted me to run the stage crew. But now that I’ve somehow fulfilled this dream, I don’t know what to do. My audition was terrible. I am the last person who deserves this. I can’t even act. After listening to a rant similar to this one, my mom sat thoughtfully for a moment, staring at the road. Then she told me something I’ve been telling myself ever since. Even if your audition wasn’t the best it could’ve been, you’ve proved yourself to the director in enough other ways that he trusted you with this role. She told me that I couldn’t feel guilty for getting something I’d earned. What a great mom, I mean honestly. I feel like I’m usually the person who gives advice, for better or for worse, to others first and myself second. I don’t often receive it because people think I’ve got my shit together. While that may seem true, I just realized today that I cry much more than I thought. To paraphrase, I was in dire need of this advice, and Mom came through.