Assignment 8 - Lia Jacobs - Always on Edge

Fears: death, needles, I'm falling behind
Annoyances: self-important people, people who cheat at school
Accomplishments: good academics, passed my drivers test
Confusions: teenagers, people who don't put in work and complain when they don't succeed
Sorrows: not taking enough risks, being too reserved
Dreams: have a good job, not having to worry about money, go hiking a lot
Idiosyncrasies: I watch dog training videos and don't have a dog
Risks: I don't take many risks
Beloved Possessions: my cat
Problems: procrastination

For as long as I can remember, I've always felt like I would die at the age of sixteen. Don't worry, it's not something I ever wanted to happen and now that I'm here I don't think it will, but up until recently, it was genuinely something I believed in. Strange thoughts like these are characteristic of my life thus far, I always feel like I'm at the risk of dying.

Frightening dreams have plagued my sleep for as long as I can remember. The first one I can recall now would repeat itself almost every night when I was six. At first, it seemed normal, my family and I were driving out to go camping in some park which we had never been to. It was somewhat late at night and we were the only ones sitting in the ill-lit parking lot. Suddenly someone was trying to open my door, I locked it. I looked up and saw this man was carrying a knife. He tried for the door in front of mine, my dad's, but he locked it before the man could reach. Then, we hurried out the other side of our car and ran. Our lives depended on it. Now I could go on and on telling you all the little details of what follows, but that would be far too tedious. Basically what happens is this unknown man kills off my family one by one until I'm left running alone. Then, he grabs my leg, looks me in the eye, and I promptly wake up. Every time I have one of these 'horror' dreams, I wake up right before I die. Now I know I'm not the greatest at describing these things, but when it's happening you can't tell that you're dreaming. It feels like you're really about to die.

Dreams like these have always happened, though now I find it harder to remember my dreams when I wake up. Instead of dreams, for the past two or so years I have found my fear of death to impact my life when I'm awake. When I'm alone, I'm frequently fearful that someone is going to kidnap me, or someone has broken into my home. Luckily, I eventually realized the irrationality of this fear and it's less prominent now. Nonetheless, there are still many instances when I find myself on edge when I do not need to be.